Writer’s Workshop-The Hearts That Didn’t Stop

One of Mama Kat’s prompts this week was to write about a heart that wouldn’t stop.  The prompt reminded me of my twins…..of their “story”.  And mine.  I’m resurrecting an old post about…..about their hearts and mine.

Here we go:

My most vivid season of challenge is finally beginning to fade into lighter shades of memory.

My season of challenge found me living away from my family in a (debate-ably) sterile room, in an institution that never slept. I had my own bedding, pictures tacked onto the walls that my girls drew, plants that I wasn’t allowed to care for on my counter, toys in a drawer for the kids to play with when they visited, and a view of the parking lot outside.

I “lived” in one of the largest suites in my unit. I was assigned someone to care for me 24/7. I had a nutritionist, a social worker, a whole slew of doctors, innumerable nurses and the constant digital company of my babies beating hearts.

I had so much, yet I didn’t have many of the things I cared for most.

I didn’t have my family. More than that, I didn’t know how the separation was going to effect all of us. I didn’t even know from one hour to the other if I would eventually deliver two live babies.

It was a time of challenge AND reward.

I was glad that I was in the hospital doing everything that I could possibly do for my babies, yet I worried constantly. I gratefully stayed on my back for 23 hours of every day. I felt like I was a horse being saddled 24/7 with heart rate monitors. I endured needle pricks every third day. I gave up any sense of privacy; yet doing all of that didn’t give me the peace of mind I craved.

I missed my family. So much. Some days I just wanted to walk out the door and never come back. Some days (OK, so I’m exaggerating, there were only 2 times in 10 weeks) against doctors orders I went outside and dared them to say a word to me. Some days the nurse I was assigned bugged me so badly I wanted to take all of my frustrations out on her. Some days I just cried all day long. But most days I didn’t feel that way at all. Some days I was just plain grateful that I had gotten to that point.

I had a crude hand made calendar that I used to count down the days until delivery. Beginning a new day was a huge accomplishment. Completing a new week was almost grounds for a party. Hitting gestational milestones kept me sane. Hearing the beat, beat, beat of their hearts calmed me.

And terrified me. I became expert at knowing what was normal for my babies heart rates and when they deviated it sent me into a panic.

I didn’t sleep at night because I was afraid that a nurse would miss a deceleration. I didn’t sleep during the day because there were too many distractions. I had a lot of time for reflection.

I reflected on the sanctity of human life. Of the miracle of birth and the great privilege we had been granted to be stewards of our children.

I thought constantly about what would have happened if the egg split a few days earlier (two amniotic sacs),
or even a day later (conjoined twins). I pictured in my mind their two cords knotting tighter and tighter with each movement. I replayed in my minds eye one of the babies almost dying right before my very eyes. I couldn’t remove the image that represented the scariest moments of my life, and still can’t, really.

I had time for soul searching and reflection on the divine. I had the opportunity to see how strong of a man my husband was and how willing he was to sacrifice everything for his family.

It probably sounds like purely negative experience, but it wasn’t. It was a literal season of growth and development for me and my babies, it was a time to define who I was and to know without doubt my Saviour’s love for me. It was a time that dragged by, yet flew quickly at the same time.

It was a gift that I gave my babies. It was a season of challenge, but it was also a season of abundance.

The gift they gave me, of course was their two beating hearts.  The ones that don’t stop and fill mine to over flowing.

About Angie

Angie is a CRAFT dabbling, recipe making, WORD loving, sunshine hording, book DEVOURING, Mama to a lot! She's kind of in love with Instagram right now, so if you want her attention, go find here there. {smiling}

Comments

  1. 1

    Beautiful post! Thanks so much for sharing it. I find myself blessed that I had a relatively uneventful twin pregnancy, and while this may sound bad…I am glad I didn’t know until delivery that they shared a placenta. I think if I had known before I would have spent the pregnancy worrying about every little thing.

  2. 2
    Linda @ My Trendy Tykes
    Twitter: trendytykes
    says:

    Beautiful…..just beautiful!

  3. 3
    Christie
    Twitter: 3craziesandme
    says:

    Thank you for sharing! I can’t imagine ten weeks on bedrest in a hospital. My first tried coming at 28 weeks and then again at 32. Scary scary shit but it gives you a very very strong fierce bond. I feel you!

  4. 4
    Gina @ My Own Brand of Crazy says:

    Your post was wonderful!
    Thanks for sharing!

  5. 5
    Christopher (AKA: CaJoh) says:

    That is wonderful wordplay. I really like the references to the beating hearts and how it makes yours overflow.

    Thank you for sharing,

  6. 6

    What a beautiful post!

    Even the most difficult and trying of times bring forth lessons and many blessings. I have had many friends go through a similar situation during their pregnancies and even knowing their experiences, I don’t think I will ever really understand the emotional roller coaster a mom endures during such a time.

    Thank you for sharing your struggles, your pain and your happy ending with us.

  7. 7

    Thank you for sharing.
    Wow.

  8. 8
    Jeanette@Bliss says:

    Beautiful! Glad it all ended happily!

  9. 9

    Beautiful – thank you for sharing your story.

  10. 10

    Wow just beautiful… came by from Mama Kat’s and am so glad I did..

  11. 11
    Maya
    Twitter: MarfMom
    says:

    That was beautiful. I am so glad they, and you, came through ok!

  12. 12
    Theta Mom
    Twitter: ThetaMom
    says:

    Beautiful post!

  13. 13
    Christine
    Twitter: MadameMommy
    says:

    Wonderful…I can relate. I too was in the hospital on strict bed-rest at 22 weeks. Thank you for sharing your story.

  14. 14

    What a sweet, touching story. So glad you shared!

  15. 15

    Just beautiful words for an amazing experience – I cannot even imagine. I have a friend on bed rest right now and it’s such a challenge with her. I will forward your words as I think she might get some strength from them. Thank you!

  16. 16

    some of your best writing…

  17. 17

    Very moving. Wish I had the opportunity to have done the same, but I lost one before bed rest was necessary. Your family is beautiful!

  18. 18
    Melissa Multitasking Mama
    Twitter: multitaskingme
    says:

    Beautiful post, Angie…obviously from the heart <3

  19. 19
    Amy
    Twitter: dailydosesofmd
    says:

    Beautiful Post. Amazing what you went through.

  20. 20
    erica
    Twitter: mommysstillfab
    says:

    What a beautiful tribute to such a difficult and beautiful time in your life.

  21. 21
    Scary Mommy says:

    I loved reading this, Angie! I can’t imagine the feeling you must have dealt with. You’re amazing.

  22. 22
    Michelle
    Twitter: dishes_laundry
    says:

    Great post!

  23. 23
    Marla Hansen says:

    What an amazing woman you are! Your children will bless you one day for this selfless act of love.

  24. 24

    WOW! What an amazing story! You are a stronger woman than I.

  25. 25
    Erin
    Twitter: ErinsMiracles
    says:

    That’s so beautiful! Brought a tear to my eye thinking about my own little Miracles! So glad everything turned out perfect!

  26. 26

    Beautiful story and worth the end gift. Thanks for sharing.

  27. 27
    Kathy
    Twitter: katbrak
    says:

    This was so touching. Thank you for sharing it with us.

  28. 28
    Allison
    Twitter: Alli_n_Son
    says:

    What a beautiful and heart touching post. I’m glad that you (and the twins) had the strength and determination to make it through. And I’m so glad that you have a loving and supportive husband.

  29. 29
    Kerry Ellington says:

    This is such a sweet and touching post Angie. 🙂

  30. 30
    Sharon
    Twitter: SharonHujik
    says:

    that is beautiful. What a profound season of life that must have been… Thank goodness they are okay!