Writer’s Workshop

Remember how I told you some topics always scream a particular name to me? And loudly? Todays prompt from Mama Kat involves writing a letter to someone I miss greatly.

One name always comes to mind, and always will.

Dear Mom,

It still bothers me that the interruption of our lives together was forced. I’m still a tad bitter sad that I haven’t been able to talk to you face to face or feel your arms around me for 25 years.

I used to be really angry at you for going away, even though I know it wasn’t your fault. I got tired of blaming JUST him, so I blamed you, too. After all, you did marry him. I was being hateful though. I just wanted the hurt to end, and in a warped way, I wanted everyone to hurt a little bit too. I just didn’t think it was fair that I had to ache that way. Why me? Why not everyone else?

I consider now having what happened to you happen to me. To have my life cut short without my consent in an awful way and I shudder. I think that if that happened to me, my last agony-filled thoughts would be about my children and what would happen to them. I think the pain of knowing I wouldn’t be raising them would be more painful than the physical onslaught.

The first 8 years of my life were the best of my childhood. I’m thankful I got to share them with you.

I wish more than anything that my children could share their childhoods’ with you, too. I’m thankful that I’ve always felt your love, even when you were gone, and that my children somehow do too.

(this is my moms sister, my sister, my grandma, me and my moms other sister)

But I still miss you and wish you were here, too.

Love Always and Forever,

Your Favorite Cry Baby

Comments

  1. 3

    mannequin says

    Oh Angie, you made my heart hurt. That is one beautiful letter and I just know she heard that.
    One can clearly see your love for your mom in the picture.
    I’ve often thought of the same; how horrible it would be to be taken from your child in that manner. Like you, I know my last thoughts would be of my child and I feel quite sure that your mom’s were of her children also.
    In those eight years, she managed to instill in you wonderful qualities to pass on to your children and a love for her that won’t die.
    {hug}

  2. 5

    Mrs. S says

    What a great letter…I’m sure she knew that you love her. She understood your hurting, as every mother understands when their child is hurt.

  3. 6

    Jen says

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell that you miss her terribly. I hope that the grief has become more bearable but I know its never forgotten.

  4. 25

    Mekhismom says

    Angie,
    I don’t really have words. So I will just say I am sorry for your loss and I am sure that she knows your heart. Thank you for sharing.

  5. 27

    Jaysi says

    Wow Angie, that is beautiful. I guess I didn’t realize you had lost your mom…and at such a young age! I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure your mom is proud of the wonderful woman and mom that you have become, despite her absence in your life. It looks like you have some wonderful girly support. You and your sister look alike. Beautiful!

  6. 28

    Susan says

    What a beautifully honest and reflective post! It is so amazing to see things from a different perspective once we become moms and can relate to things our moms went through as a result. I am so sorry for your loss. Eight years is certainly not long enough for any child to enjoy their mother, but it sounds like she had a wonderfully profound impact on you during that time and that her legacy continues through your aunt, grandmother, sisters and you.

  7. 29

    kristen says

    What a poignant letter. My heart aches for you.

    As I sit here, I know exactly who I would write my letter to but I wouldn’t even know where to start. Perhaps I’m not ready yet but I’m sure this is a helpful, healing exercise.

  8. 30

    Amy says

    My mom died last year, so reading this really brought tears to my eyes. I thought about doing a post, writing a letter to her also, but I just couldn’t do it.

  9. 32

    the schirano triplets says

    wow. that was so beautiful and so sad at the same time. my heart is aching for you now…i am so sorry for your loss. thank you for sharing something so personal with us and with such honesty.

  10. 33

    Mamarazzi says

    Angie…i just read this for the second time. i couldn’t help myself. like i said before it has a heartbeat.

    i came to tell you that you WON the giveaway…a Box of Mamarazzi Goodness.

    do i have your address? i think you sent it to me for ice cream coupons…send it again.

    congrats!

  11. 35

    Jennifer P. says

    why oh why did so many of us have to lose our parents? I’m sure it was all part of “the plan”–but it doesn’t make it any easier does it? you KNOW I’m mourning that loss with ya girl!!! Big hugs to you!

  12. 63

    I am Arizona; a person, not a place. says

    My last thought would be of my children, too, and you’re right; that would be more painful than the physical onslaught. I’m so sad your mom has been gone for so long. I can understand how painful that must be. I love the photo of you with your sister, your mom’s sisters and your grandma. You all resemble one another so much!! There’s no mistaking you are family!

  13. 65

    Casey's trio says

    Oh Angie,
    I heart you. Such a horrible experience for you and my heart aches. What beautiful women in your family….your mother is very proud of you.

  14. 67

    mommaof4wife2r says

    angie…what a wonderful and honest note to your mother. and, now i must go get a tissue because i am crying. i’m sure your momma is very, very proud of you.

  15. 70

    Good N Crazy says

    hard. And 25 years later? Still hard. I can see how your emotions and blame and all that would be all over the map on this.

    My nephew’s suicide was like that. I kept having all the ‘wrong’ feelings. I didn’t know what the ‘right’ ones were!

    And you look sooo much like aunt number 2 in that picture!

  16. 71

    Neil says

    Angie, you are an amazingly strong woman to be able to write about your experience so clearly, poignantly and publicly. Thank you so much for putting yourself “out there” and inspiring the rest of us to do the same.

  17. 73

    Kally says

    How beautiful. There is such emotion in this.

    Reminds me of a close friend I lost this summer. When I think of her I smile but a cloud comes over when reminded of how she was lost to so many who loved her.

  18. 77

    Weeksie50 says

    How sad. I am so sorry for your loss.. no matter how long ago it was.. the pain of missing someone never truly goes away.. I know that we can take comfort in knowing that we will see them again.. but the ache and emptiness is still there.. thanks for sharing..

  19. 81

    Melanie says

    Just melt my heart..I am so glad for this post..we celebrated my husbands mothers birthday last night at DQ with the kids. She passed away about 7 years ago. Reading your words brings sweetness to my heart and tears to my eyes knowing that my husband feels the same way. He does not “talk” about it ever, so it is good to hear from someone who is in his shoes as well.Thank you so much for your tenderness.

  20. 83

    Blissful Nikki says

    your letter made me both smile and become teary-eyed. I think this is beautiful in ways that can not be described with words!

  21. 104

    Tulsi says

    My mom lives in another country and I don’t know if I will see her face to face again, $$ and kids. This really made me think. Thanks for sharing. I may have needed a bop on the head.

  22. 105

    Mark and Kiss says

    Angie, that is beautiful. You are an amazing woman with a depth that I have yet to meet in others. You have something special about your testimony of the Savior that I think is unique to you and I am sure due to your experiences. Thank you for sharing so candidly something so precious.
    P.S.- I love the photo

  23. 106

    stefanie says

    Thanks for your honesty and openness. I read it this morning but just couldn’t even comment then. I hope you found some healing in writing and in hearing from everyone you have touched.

    Nothing can fill the hole left by your mom, but I’m glad you have the support of the other women in your family.

  24. 107

    jennifergriffin says

    This was truly beautiful! God has used this in your life to shape and mold you into a beautiful, caring mom!

  25. 109

    Cristin says

    I loved this. It’s always been rocky with my Mom and her kids… as imperfect as it’s always been, I can’t imagine losing her at such a young age…

    Hugs.

  26. 110

    Aubrey says

    Angie, that was a lovely letter. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life with all of us.

    BTW, you have got some good genes woman! You are all so beautiful and look like you could all be sisters!

  27. 111

    raising4boys says

    Truly heartfelt. I have more empathy for those that have lost their mother with the trial we are going through with my own.

    I worry my boys won’t remember Grandma when she was “normal” and yet yours never knew your mom.

    Great letter. That’s great you can share your feelings.

  28. 142

    Elaine A. says

    Angie, I am SO sorry for you loss.

    There are days when my mother and I don’t always understand each other but this post made me thankful that she is here and in my life. Thanks for the reminder…

    What a bunch of beauties you ladies are! ; )

  29. 143

    Jaime says

    Angie, you are so great! I didn’t realize you were that young when you lost your mother. I can’t even imagine all the feelings you must have felt throughout the years. Thanks for sharing this.
    I also love the picture. Everyone looks so young!

  30. 160

    Mommy In Waiting says

    beautiful words. thanks for sharing. you’re elegant in writing, so the woman you are IRL must be amazing!

    God Bless you and your circus!

  31. 163

    Krista ~ Bits and pieces says

    Angie,

    That was so powerful, I am sitting here with a lump in my throat~

    Beautiful written, powerfully said, let the healing continue!

    Have a beautiful weekend,

    Krista

  32. 165

    Shelle-BlokThoughts says

    That was such a sweet letter! It’s always good to be reminded to soak in every moment with those we love! Thanks for that!

  33. 166

    Zen Ventures says

    such a sweet picture. It’s always nice to see how close families are. I admire the girls in your family, you all look like sisters being your grandma the oldest. I’d say your all baby-faced! What’s the secret? do tell!

  34. 167

    Genny says

    Angie,
    One of my best friends lost her mom when she was really young, and I was reminded of her reading this. What a touching letter, and what a great picture of all of you. You are a strong and beautiful woman.

  35. 168

    Carrie says

    Wow, Angie. Your amazing and I really appreciate you sharing this post with us. Your words are so powerful and sad. If anything I am more encouarged as a mother to be more and do more without regret. Thanks~

  36. 171

    Laurie says

    you know how to rip a heart out. Such a way with words. That was beautifully written. For someone seeing you together with your sister for the first time, I will say you look alike. (I’m sure you have heard it before, but add mine too all the others.)

  37. 172

    Mama's Losin' It says

    I once asked my Mom if my Dad gave up. If he knew the cancer was bigger than him and was ready for heaven.

    She looked at me…paused…and said “Your father fought for his life with every breath he took…he was heart broken at the thought of leaving you kids…heart broken!”

    I’m glad you came to a good place with your questions and anger. It still sucks though, doesn’t it!?!

  38. 177

    frazzled & worn out what to do? says

    Angie,
    I am so sorry for your loss.
    Your letter was beautiful & heartfelt.
    Thank you for sharing with us.

  39. 178

    Darla says

    I was so moved by your letter that the first time I just read it, read it again and then left without remembering to comment, although I had comments to share. On so, so many levels of that letter, I can so relate. The parts especially where it feels like equally what happened to her happened to me/us as well (although my mom’s was maybe a little more natural passing…even though not at all common or expected); our parting was much too soon, too abrupt, too gut-wrenching..and too permanent. The other thing I have so often thought of and discussed with my sisters is that although I too was only eight when my mom passed away, I so strongly feel that her years in my life influence me still today. I think most of us girls have a lot of her traits. Our kids, although never so honored as to have met her, all almost feel like they know her and love her very much. We’ve managed to somehow keep a very full memory alive of her. Whenever I bake or cook something that my mom used to bake all the time (and it’s not super often), they just bask in the specialness of it. They get so excited if I tell them that “Grandma Dorothy” used to make this all the time. They always seem to think that it tastes somehow almost magically good just knowing their Grandma made it for me when I was their age. Such of a wonderful post! I can see your Grandma’s and aunts’ closeness and almost protectiveness towards you..?..in the picture. So neat.

  40. 180

    Gunnisac Sandersons says

    Angie, you had me bawling. I am still trying to type threw the tears. I know your mom is there with you. I know she is watching your kids grow and I know she is so disappointed to not be there too. I have actually thought about how I woud feel if I were in her spot too. It would be agony to not be abe to see my daughters go to the prom or talk to her after her first kiss. Helping her with her wedding dress and my son with his first car or his first bike ride. Playing in a championship game. I have high hopes for him. I just want you to know that you Rachelle, and Matt are very dear in our family. My mom loved taking us to see you in Cal, and always worried about you and I know she always held you in her prayers. I am so sorry you lost your mom. We love you!

  41. 181

    Susie says

    This is the best blog post of the week. That’s how I found you and I am glad that I did. Your raw emotion even after 25 years is evident and words alone can not soothe. But I do wish you peace swiftly.

  42. 183

    Kate Coveny Hood says

    This was beautiful. I’m so sorry that you lost your mother so early.

    What a beautiful family you have! I have twins as well – but I had never heard of monoamniotic before. I’ll have to read up on that (your kids are adorable!)

  43. 184

    AVT Coach says

    What I see in this post is a very healthy woman… To be able to post very personal feelings of hurt and loss with all of us. It’s not just being brave..but you know you are okay in spite of this experience you have had. And, it speaks volumes as to the kind of mother you are, having lost your own mother so young. I hope that these women in this photo have been your rocks of strength and have been a part of the woman you are now…cause you are amazing!! Truly and honestly.

  44. 185

    Octamom says

    What more can I add to the outpouring of admiration and encouragement and empathy listed above? I suppose what strikes me the most is that through your blog, I have seen you mother your kids in such a beautiful way, as if you had enjoyed a full childhood experience with your mother, as if you had been prepared to run a home and be a wonderful wife to your husband and to be a loving mom to your kids. And that is where I see the legacy of your mom’s life living in you. Somehow, in 8 short years, in years that sound as if they were turbulent and challenging, she was able to instill wisdom and heart and passion for family–and so she lives on. Lives on through you, through your kids, through the memories you are making, through the careful stewardship of life you are blessing your kids with, your very self.

    Thanks so much for being willing to share such a letter, for being willing to pull back the layers and expose your heart and wisdom and hurt and healing. Obviously from the comments above, many of us are the better for it.

    Blessings~

  45. 186

    Carrie and Troy Keiser says

    Extremely well written! It must have been terrible to loose your mom at such a young age. I cannot even imagine.

  46. 187

    Susie says

    wow, how sorry I am that you lost her so young- what a beautiful way to remember her though. Your writing is very poetic.
    thanks for helping me put some things in perspective. really angie, you are so special and strong in so many ways. I admire you in all of those ways.

    Is it too geeky for me to say that you are just really neat? because you are.

  47. 188

    * TONYA * says

    Angie, that was a great letter. Thank you for sharing something so personal with us.

    You and your sister look so much alike … bet you hate hearing that huh 🙂

  48. 189

    Debra says

    Oh Angie, I just don’t even know what to say. It is easier to grieve and miss someone when you know it was Heavenly Father’s will. But when something like what happened to your mom happens, it is hard to process, even with the Gospel in our lives.

    I know your mother is active in your lives, just on the other side of the veil (though at times I KNOW your arms ache for her physical touch!!) You are an AMAZING woman, she must be so proud of you and how you have turned out. The experience could have turned you bitter ALL the time, but you are so amazing and moved passed it as best as possible and on to create such a beautiful family with Jeff. I know your reunion in Heaven will be filled with so much happiness our Human minds cannot comprehend!

  49. 190

    Stephanie says

    Octamom said it way better than I could.

    I know exactly who my letter would go to….something to consider doing. Thank you for pouring out your heart and inspiring me today.

  50. 191

    Shannon says

    I HATE, HATE, HATE that I am comment #90. I have been locked away in my own little head and I have not been reading. I hope you can feel my hug from hundreds of mile away. You amaze me. Not too much more I can say. You are amazing and your mama IS very proud…I know.

  51. 192

    says

    I love IWON’s older version. Since the cahnge I rarely play any IWON games. It was nice to see the winner’s list, especially for incentive. High score’s? There was nothing wrong with the old IWON website. Why did you have to cahnge? To justifty paying your employee’s? What happen to Holiday’s bonus prizes? IWON use to have T.V.’s amoung other great prizes for the Holiday’s, on Spin 2 Win. Now I find IWON to be boring and don’t even bother to play your games. I am sure there are many other’s who feel the same way!!!Can some one tell me how to remove this old photo of me? Thank You

  52. 193

    says

    Jingle bells song reminds us about the ararivl of Christmas. And Christmas means gifts and fun. This Christmas present your family, friends and close acquaintances living in Portugal with gifts from specialized for delivery to Portugal.

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