Tuesday’s Tribute-Hearts

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You know how some events in your life are so BIG that you can never quite forget them? No matter what? You can still clearly see images from that time? Remember your emotions? Smell those same smells? Vaguely see the world as it went by while you were focused on THE EVENT?

The THING could be intensely joyous, or incredibly sad. It could make your heart feel like it’s going to burst with happiness or break with sorrow? And in the end your mind always goes back to the thing that you learned from what happened?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot today. Three sparks of memory. Entertwined. Hearts.

I clearly remember waking up on Easter morning and finding police in my house. I remember wondering WHY there were police in my house and feeling uneasy. I remember looking over at my grandparents (wondering why they were there) and knowing that something was seriously wrong just by looking at them. I remember them (the adults-both my grandparents and the police) telling me that my mom was dead. I remember not believing them in my head, but yet believing them in my heart even though I didn’t want to. I vaguely remember packing a bag and being escorted around the house by police officers. I clearly remember the blood outside. So much blood. Trails of blood. Pools of blood. I don’t remember my Easter basket. I remember adults whispering. Always whispering. And then I remember my grandmothers wailing. I remember making the connection that that sound that was coming out of her mouth mirrored the hurt that I felt in my heart. And that my mom’s heart was no longer beating at all. That was all so many years ago. So many years ago. But I still remember.

Just like I still remember watching John’s heart almost stop beating when he was in utero.

Even though it doesn’t seem like that happened to me (to us), it did. If I think about that whole situation long enough, without any interruptions I still break down crying, and my heart alternately breaks and SWELLS.

I still remember getting the diagnosis of monoamniotic twins. I still remember trying to take each day one at a time and counting through almost 3 monthly calendar pages. I recall the loneliness. The alienation. The pessimism AND optimism. Somedays my memories are so vivid. Somedays it seems so fuzzy and long ago. But every day, I’m still grateful. And thankful. Even though my heart did an aweful lot of wailing and rejoicing.

My father in law had a heart transplant a few years ago. It was a terribly scary time, but it was also a time filled with memories and conversations that my husband holds dear.

Daily, when I see him, when I see my boys, I’m reminded how much I’m thankful for beating hearts.

Comments

  1. 1

    April says

    Angie~
    I am so sorry what happened to your mom…whatever it might be. That must have been a very traumatic time for you, including everything else you’ve been through with those you hold so dear. Aren’t you thankful that God is the mender of broken hearts? Thank you so much for sharing this!

  2. 2

    stefanie says

    Memories are like that, huh? Sometimes they are close and tangible, and other times they seem like they must have happened to someone else. Yours is a lovely heart.

  3. 3

    Misty Rice says

    Hey I have never participated in this before, will it still be up tomorrow? Id like to join in.

    Great post, very sweet.

    Have a great day.

  4. 4

    Amy says

    What a heart breaking post, thanks for sharing it, no matter how hard it may have been to do that.

  5. 6

    Laura says

    Angie- I love you and I am so sorry for what happened to your Mom and for those memories that you now have to live with. You have risen above and become a woman of grace and strength who brought your babies through that horrible diagnosis. When life gets hard you know how to take it and push through, that is something I admire. You have a lot of be proud of.

    Love this post!

  6. 27

    Cathy says

    love tribute–i’m so sorry to hear about your mom. but you wrote beautifully about all that you have to be grateful for

  7. 45

    Karen says

    I too have 2 experiences in life that have defined me. I can relive them in a moments notice. I think you take nothing for granted when you have been through hard times.
    I am so sorry about your mom.

    You write so beatifully about your experiences.

  8. 47

    Tony@ That One Paticular Harbor says

    I am so sorry what happened to your mom…whatever it might be. I can’t imagine the heartache. All good thoughts towards you and your beautiful family. Thanks Angie for sharing something so dear to your soul.

  9. 68

    Melissa says

    It’s good to write these things down so your kids can read it instead of having to talk about it again and again.
    It exausts me to talk about my fathers death.

  10. 88

    Mark and Kiss says

    Angie, I love what you have shared. I felt like my heart was aching right along with yours as I read it. You have a gift, these experiences really explain your depth, inner beauty and uniqueness. Your testimony of Christ really shines forth in your gratitude. I am grateful to know you and miss my association with you, wish we lived closer to share our families lives and just the day to day things that we miss out on. Thanks for being one of my sisters!

  11. 91

    girlytwins says

    Angie you have such a beautiful heart. And you have brought 5 beautiful beating hearts into this world. I am so sorry for what your small innocent heart had to live through when you were a child. This is a wonderful Tribute. I can only imagine how much these experiences have shaped your life. I do know that you have survived with a amazing strength.

  12. 92

    Anissa says

    Loved your post — very heartbreaking.

    I will never forget the smell and sounds of the NICU where my baby was. I will never forget the tubes and wires coming out of him.

    TFS

  13. 94

    Erin, Nick and Merrick says

    Wow- thank you for sharing.
    You are an amazing women because of all you have gone thru!
    I appreciate you!

  14. 95

    Leigh and Anthony says

    Extremely touching. I’m sorry for all you’ve been through.

    I’ve been trying to remember and re-live the moment we found out we had a son. One year ago Wednesday we got the news. Adoption like anything has ups and downs. I don’t want to forget all of those feelings. For the good and the bad some moments in life will always be with us.

  15. 96

    Jaysi says

    Wow Angie, what a powerful post! I knew that your mom had died from reading previous posts, but I had no idea it was so horrific. Not that death is ever easy. I’m sure that has changed your life forever. I am so sorry that you had to go through that as such a young child.

    Thank you for sharing this piece of you. I have always thoguth you were an amazing, strong woman. Now I know how you got to be that way.

  16. 98

    Shannon says

    Oh Ang, your writing is so beautiful and it touches my heart. Thank you for opening a piece of your heart and sharing it with us. It is lovely.

  17. 112

    Casey's trio says

    So horrific to think that you had to experience the loss of your mom in that way Angie. But as other commenters have said, you are a beautiful person who has risen above the horrible tragedy that occurred. Hugs to you!

  18. 113

    Bee and Rose says

    Angie, I am just simply in awe…You have an incredible heart…I am so grateful for you…

    I am so sorry for what you’ve endured…I am so grateful that your heart is still open…

    I am thankful for beating hearts too..My husband (age 41) had a triple bypass last year after 3 heart attacks. He just had a mild fourth heart attack a few weekends ago…he also just broke his leg due to plummeting blood pressure…I thank God every day that his heart is still beating…will definitely be back tomorrow to link up:)

  19. 114

    Laura says

    I am crying as I read your post. So beautiful. I sure miss you! (ps. Annika carries around some picture of Emma that Mrs. C gave her :)

  20. 115

    Jen says

    I think that the heart needs to have times of swelling and breaking thats what makes it stronger and helps it to know what to hold so close. It also means that you have one great heart.

  21. 117

    BoufMom9 says

    wow. Sitting here just thinking…wow.
    So much for a child to go through and so much to try to get through.
    I imagine it has left it’s mark on you forever.

    It’s amazing the power of memories and the power of life itself.

    Blessings to you and yours always.

    ps Not playing along this week due to the Tuesday Blog Party…. will be back next week :)

  22. 119

    Veggie Mom says

    Powerful post. I’m sorry you had to go through that as a young girl. the connections we make in our lives make me who we are today. I love this tribute!

  23. 121

    Live.Love.Eat says

    You’re a wonderful woman because you have an open heart and you share. What a great thought, to just be thankful for beating hearts!! I like that…….

  24. 123

    Straight to Your Hart says

    Oh, my beating heart…I can’t imagine….I can almost feel yours Angie. Thank you for sharing a very tender part of your heart…Much love

  25. 125

    Carissa(GoodnCrazy) says

    Ahhhh sweetie… been thru more than one mom deserves huh?

    The other day there was a weather channel show (of all things) and their was a freak spring storm and a small airplane with mom step dad and 10 yrold boy.
    they couldn’t find the plane. For Five days….

    When they did find the plane the boy was alive, barely, but his parents had died on impact and he lived thru 5 days of that… I was ill for him of course, but so much more ill imagining one of my own kids going thru that, I always do that, hear terrible stories and imagine myself of my kids involved and I can seriously make myself sick.

    I hurt thinking about your horrors and your near horrors…

  26. 126

    bermudabluez says

    I cannot even imagine your pain. My heart goes out to you and your family. I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. Blessings to you all.

  27. 127

    3 Bay B Chicks says

    Angie of Seven Clown Circus…I finally find myself on your blog. I have seen links to your lovely site all over the blogosphere, but have never had the opportunity to journey to your space before.

    I am certainly glad that I did tonight, though. What an amazingly powerful post. I am rarely humbled by words the first time I discover a new blogger. This was certainly the case here.

    I am sorry for the loss that you have suffered. You have clearly lived through several tramatic experiences. Thank you for sharing a bit of your journey.

    -Francesca

  28. 128

    Robin says

    Thank you for trusting us all with such a beautiful and heartrending piece of your own heart.

  29. 129

    Pam at beyondjustmom says

    Wow, what a powerful story. It’s wonderful to know that you have lived through so much tragedy and can serve by sharing what you’ve learned. I’m new but I’m looking forward to exploring your stories!

  30. 131

    mommaof4wife2r says

    angie, oh my goodness. trials def bring out strong memories…and beating hearts. thanks for sharing…awesome.

  31. 132

    koopermom says

    Angie, your post has really touched me today. I would have never guessed that you had been through such a chilling tragedy. Thank you for sharing.

  32. 133

    latree says

    this was so touching…

    I remember how on week 32 Ir didn’t move inside me, I thought he died. but the doctor showed me that his heart was still beating…

  33. 134

    Kacey R. says

    What a wonderful thing to be grateful for. I am sorry you have had such heart wrenching experiences and I'm sending you lots of love & hugs. Thank you for sharing with us.

  34. 135

    Sue M says

    Angie, it’s hard to comprehend that it has been 26 years since that day! My heart goes out to you. Love always.

  35. 157

    Colleen says

    I have always admired the strength you, R, & M have since your life has not been an easy one. You are simply amazing! We are going to be in town in November and would love to see you and R if possible.

  36. 158

    Mandy says

    Okay, is this new, Tuesday’s Tribute? I have seen others do it but did not know you were hosting…and is it posting about someone else? I feel a little ignorant asking but I have not been in blogging land for a little while so….

    Your post, so sad and so touching. It is great you can see the blessings in such painful times.

  37. 161

    Cecily R says

    I think Angie, that even though I didn’t know her, your mom’s heart does still beat…in you. Which is why you have the strength to be thankful for beating hearts.

  38. 164

    Jenni Jiggety says

    {{{{Angie}}}} That was lovely…and I am SO sorry for your loss. You must have been a little girl. Wow.

  39. 165

    Lisa (Jonny's Mommy) says

    That is some awful and also amazing memories. So sorry about what happened to your mother..whatever it was. What a horrible thing to live with, but you’ve seem to done a good job in so many ways. There must be tough days too, but your children must brighten your life.

  40. 166

    Sweet Serendipity says

    Wow, what a powerful and moving post. You are amazing to have come through it all. Amazing to be able to share it so poignantly and beautifully and amazing to have learned the important lessons so well.
    Big hugs and blessings to you and yours.

  41. 179

    Ms. Latina says

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss and the trauma you had as a child, as well as when you had your own children. Its amazing how resiliant we can be but yet so precious and weak at the same time isn’t it? Just know that God is there always, reaching out to you even in the pain, especially in the pain, so lean on Him. My prayers and well wishes go out to you today. GBU, Ms. Latina

  42. 180

    Jaime says

    Wow, Angie. I hardly know what to say…
    I am so sorry for all the horribles you’ve faced. I also feel fortunate to call you my friend. I have looked up to you since I have known you.

  43. 182

    Jenners says

    This post just chilled me to the core. Whatever happened to your mom sounds like something that you could never forget but wish you could. I can’t even imagine. And your isolation and waiting for your twins … horrible. Thanks for putting this out there though and for your honesty.
    Sending you good wishes, hugs and happier memories to come.

  44. 183

    Migraine Mom says

    Angie…thank you for inviting us into your lives…this has been a horrible week for me and this post is one I truly needed to read. Thankful for all of the beating hearts around me….

  45. 184

    Kristin says

    all these years later…still seems surreal. I don’t know how you handle Easter every year. Great post.

  46. 185

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  47. 186

    says

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