The Great Escape…..

About a week ago I opted to write a few words for Sunday’s Scribblings titled Then and Now. This is what I said,

“Once, I was a spoiled, spoiled little girl who basked in the love her parents showed her.
Soon, my world came crashing down around me and I was forced to confront a hideous crime.
Then, I was filled with incredible hatred.
Now I feel pity. And regret. And sadness.”

Many who commented wanted me to elaborate. Especially, I think, on “the crime”. I’m not quite ready to do that, and don’t know if I ever will be, publicly, but I will try to address my thoughts on how my life was filled with hatred and now it’s not. That’s My Great Escape.

It didn’t happen over night, or over the course of a few months, or even over a few years. I can’t tell you really how long it took, but I can estimate. The crime occurred when I was exactly the age my oldest daughter is now, and it’s been at least 8 years since I realized that how I felt had changed. I’ll do the math for you. About 20 years. You know how people talk about having an epiphany of understanding? I didn’t happen that way with me. Rather, over the course of a period of time I realized I wasn’t filled with anger and hatred towards the person that committed “the crime” that wreaked havoc on my life, and so many others, including, I’m convinced, his own.

The hatred ate at me from inside. It was a negative energy that nibbled away at pieces of my heart and took the good from the great and left me feeling beaten. It made most situations appear worse than they were, and kept me from truly enjoying many great moments. It made me envy others that had what I didn’t have. It was insiduous and sapped the light. It was downright unhealthy, but I could justify it because at first it was the only way I knew how to survive the situation. I was angry at my mom for leaving me, even though she didn’t have a choice, and I hated the person that took her away from me. But then it became an excuse and it seemed like justifiable anger. It became the scapegoat for things that happened in my life; choices I made or that others made and their relationship to each other.

And then I started to grow up and look at my life from another perspective. One that didn’t blame someone else for everything that had happened. I began to contemplate how a series of choices effected many others, and stopped looking at only how it effected me. I started to see the world as not just revolving around me and my hurt. I started to ponder the interconnectedness of all of us and how we deal with what life throws our way. Mostly though, I think I was blessed with Divine Intervention and the sure knowledge that I was important and valuable and that overcoming this hurdle was possible.

And that’s my Great Escape. Breaking the bonds of hatred and feeling free for the first time in many, many years.

Comments

  1. 2

    Shannon says

    Wow. You amaze me that you could fight your darkness and find a way out. It takes an incredibly stong and insightful person to be able to do that. I am amazed by you even more after knowing this. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself.

  2. 3

    Tamara says

    Knowing what you’ve gone through I can’t even imagine the pain and hurt. Knowing the person you are today is proof that the Lord will help us through everything and anything. I think the key is being ready and willing to accept the help and intervention in our lives.

    Thank you for sharing something so personal. You are a wonderful example. Keep being strong!

  3. 4

    Sarah says

    Angie you amaze me. I cannot imagine having gone through anything like this as a child. And then carrying this weight around for many many years.

    You are also one gifted writer!!

  4. 20

    Melissa says

    I can’t imagine at the age of 8 dealing with some of the issues you have been handed. The fact that you have come out the other side is truly a testament to the power of emotional healing.

    You impress me everyday, Angie. Thanks for sharing.

  5. 21

    Cecily R says

    Angie, that was a perfect follow up to your then and now post…perfect. Honestly I couldn’t imagine a better way you could have said any of it.

    I admire your courage and your ability to put what you went through out there in a way that is thoughtful and raw and ultimately you all at the same time.

    I think your mom should be very proud of you.

  6. 22

    Laura says

    I have known you for a while now and have always been amazed by you. I really believe you took this experience and it made you who you are today… a better person. It was so interesting and inspiring for me to read more about how bad you were feeling and how awful it was and what helped you overcome it all. Reading it helps me understand better what power we have over situations and our own lives. You mother is so proud of the woman you have become I am sure of it!

  7. 23

    Heather says

    Please don’t ever stop writing, because it is beautiful. I know that it is so personal and must be difficult at times. But we are all better, by your example. Amazing is absolutely right.

  8. 24

    Anonymous says

    After reading this entry, I am speechless. My heart has always gone out to your family. Thank you. I need to have an escape too.. debbiej

  9. 25

    I'm AZ says

    Darkness can engulf a person and escaping it tends to take not only tenacity, but a hell of a lot of courage. Good for you.

  10. 26

    Nancy says

    It is amazing how the Lord can erase an emotional wound. I too went through a very dark event that caused me to be so angry and ask “why me?” But from that dark time I learned so much about myself and the power of the Lord.

    This is an awesome post and I am so grateful for you.

  11. 28

    Laurie says

    Good for you! Letting go can be so diffucult. You continue to amaze me Angie. I am grateful to call you a friend. Thank you for sharing.

  12. 29

    Laurie says

    Good for you! Letting go can be so diffucult. You continue to amaze me Angie. I am grateful to call you a friend. Thank you for sharing.

  13. 51

    Crazymamaof6 says

    Holy cow! impressive! and so hard to let go of the hurt and escape the inner turmoil. to identify it and realize somewhere along the way you had released it! amazing!

    and fabulous writing i might add!

  14. 52

    carrie & troy keiser says

    You worded this beautifully. I feel that we can all identify times when those feeling have had a grip on us {for whatever reasons}. Thanks for sharing this.

  15. 53

    Kristin says

    Very moving. And inspiring. Good for you. I’ve been w/o internet at moms, so I’m way behind on the posts. I read them all, but here’s my comments for all. Grace is 8! Don’t you feel old? I’ll try to read Villette and get back to you. I’m going to post something on resolutions so stay tuned. Glad your Christmas was nice, hope the sickness is over. We’ll miss the wedding, since we just got home, we can’t come up again for at least 4 weeks. Hope it goes well for your dad, enjoy the car trip. Ugh. I. Hate. the . car. with. kids.

  16. 54

    latree says

    Needs tons of strength to go through such pain and hurt. I’m glad you made it and became what you are now. Thanks for sharing.
    Your words are so touching.

  17. 55

    Debra says

    Angie, You are an amazing person! For having gone through what you did at such a young age and come out one of the most awesome person on the other side of it; you leave me in awe! I remember when you told me what happened; when I was going through one of the hardest times back in Feb (moving when the twins were 4 months old). I always have it come up in my mind when I am going through a rough time. I think to myself that if you could go through THAT, and be the amazing person you are, I can get through my petty things with a better attitude!

  18. 56

    Mar says

    That was a very impressive post…I feel like I am intruding a bit since it is my first time here…via Kailani’s casting call.
    Have a nice day :)

  19. 58

    Laurie M. says

    Angie, you are amazing! I really admire your ability to change for good after such a horrifying experience. And I agree with Cecily- you mom would be very proud of you.

    Thanks for such a wonderful post (I’m sure it wasn’t easy)

  20. 59

    Katie says

    i am so glad that you were able to take a turn, and come to know just how much you so have to offer. i think it takes a very strong person to see this. not everyone chooses the path that you did. i am sure it is not an easy thing to do.

  21. 60

    Clark Captions says

    Hey Angie!
    You are an incredibly strong women! I am so glad that you have started opening up about the tragic loss of your mom, my aunt. I have wanted to talk to you for so long about it, but have always feared that it would make you sad, or angry. I would love, it you don’t mind, to talk about it more when you are ready. Would love to share with you what I experienced, and the feelings that I had. You are such a great example of courage and strength to me Angie….Lots of Love to you!

  22. 61

    Scribbit says

    This is wonderful–but did you want me to include it? I hadn’t heard from you but you’ve got all the links. (Hope I’m not being too pushy here :)

  23. 64

    DysFUNctional Mom says

    I think you are so wise to have realized that hatred and negative energy are so hurtful to carry around.
    I’m so sorry for whatever it was that happened.
    xoxo

  24. 107

    Jen says

    You are right, it is such a freeing feeling to let go of all that hate and anger. Its like the moment that you do, the sun shines a little brighter and life starts to look a little brighter.

  25. 108

    Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life says

    Giving you a one woman standing ovation…that is a wonderful story. I know that a lot of us have a story that begins in childhood…and defines us as adults, I too have felt the Devine Intervention…sometimes it just comes over you and leaves you feeling light…

  26. 109

    Melanie says

    I am definately adding you to my blogroll. I could have written this myself if I were as talented as you. I know how hard it is. I didn’t have an epiphany either, I just woke up one day and realized it wasn’t there anymore.

  27. 111

    Crazy Momma says

    Yowza! What an amazing journey you have taken and are taking – and touching so many lives in the process by sharing it with all the SITSas!

    Thank you so much for sharing this today…I think it is exactly what I needed to hear!

  28. 112

    Katy Lin :) says

    thank you for sharing this. i’m impressed by your courage both to get through these issues and to share them with the world.

  29. 114

    sassy stephanie says

    Wow. What a great post. I truly believe everything that happens is a stepping stone in the journey of life. Sounds like your stepping stone helped you grown personally as well as will help others grown in their own journeys. Imagine the impression you would have on your children if you kept that hatred inside all of these years. You are setting a great example for them. Kudos.

  30. 115

    Dana says

    I’m not sure exactly what horror you had to endure but it sounds like you have really grown from it and the realization that it does not define you. You sound like an incredibly strong woman Angie! Great post.

  31. 116

    EmBee says

    I struggle with ‘crimes’ committed against me in my past (abuse, neglect, molestation.) I’m working on coming to an understanding that those instances don’t ‘define’ me and I’m working to cast them off and discover a new definition for myself. They’re a part of my past but they’re not ME.

    Congratulations on your courage to forgive. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working on it.
    :-)

  32. 117

    mrsbear0309 says

    That’s not an easy thing to overcome and an even harder thing to examine and acknowledge. Congrats on the courage to do so.

  33. 118

    wendy says

    I’m sorry you went through such a troublesome time but it is so nice to see that you’ve come through it.

  34. 120

    jen says

    great post, I am so grateful you survived that experience and blessed to have had the priviledge to read your blog!

    TO your continued growth and the light you share!
    Jen

  35. 121

    Kimberly says

    This is touching. Its interesting how we go through life and learn perspectives we can adopt according to our situations. I am intrigued by your writing…you will be going on my blogroll! :) Congrats on your SITS day!

  36. 122

    Adiel says

    I wish I could be like you and enter every contest that I see. Usually I think, “Ah, I’ll have to come back and do this later.” Then I forget and thus I do not win.

  37. 123

    Jenni says

    I think it is great you came to the realization you did. Many don’t. I also think it is brave of you to share with so many strangers.

  38. 124

    Perez Family Spot says

    Wow…For many forgivness is just a word and sometimes and action, but for others it is the hardest thing they will ever have to do in their lives. I applaud this post. We all read funny, silly and crazy posts all the time and it’s so brave that you actually have posted something more real than all the moments we want our lives to be about. We all have real moments we find hard to blog about. And I applaud you SITSta!

  39. 125

    Melissa says

    Wow, I can so relate to your story. You are a gifted writer and I know this post is going to help a lot of others who have experienced similiar circumstances.
    God is faithful and He is enough. He has been that reassuring voice in my ear in difficult times when I felt the sting of rejection and hurt from my past. It took me a long time to allow Him to be that for me and I’m still a work in progress. I’m just thankful that He never lets go of me!

    • 126

      says

      Ms. Morgan-Winston,Just a few lines to tell you just how much I have enjoyed your work. From the early days of What’s Happening to All My Children and even thogruh the Charmed years you have been and continue to be a consummate actor. Many is the time that I have watched others and been reminded only of their last role. Yet, with you, although instantly recognizable, you inhabit each role and while you are on the screen, for this viewer, you are that character and that character only. Thank you for sharing your talent with your fans. May you continue to flourish as a performer and may your many humanitarian works bear amazing fruit.

  40. 127

    Karen says

    You sound like a very strong woman. I am glad to hear that you have come through the incident, at least this far! Think of the testimony you have and how you can help someone else who may go through a horrible situation.

  41. 149

    Peggy says

    What a wise choice you made. If only all of us could realize that hanging onto anger or resentment hurts only us. Thanks for sharing. God bless you!

  42. 150

    Rhea says

    Goodness. I’m so glad you finally achieved a Great Escape from those hared feelings and resentments, although I’m sure no one blames you for them, and you had every right to feel them!

    You’re a tough gal!

  43. 151

    EmmaP says

    It is awesome and totally “freeing” when we can break that cycle of hate. Good for you! You are a strong person and you can do hard things!

  44. 168

    Creative Junkie says

    I’ve got through a Great Escape of my own years ago, so this post hit home.

    The images I’m getting from your post are of resilience and strength. Good for you.

  45. 169

    Stephanie says

    Thank you for sharing such a personal story. It was a joy to read your blog today but I plan to come back for more! Congrats again on being the featured SITS!!!!

  46. 188

    Judy Haley says

    it’s hard to let go of anger and resentment – but it’s amazing how life gets easier after

  47. 189

    Good & Crazy says

    Hey I never read this one…(didn’t ‘know’ you then.)

    You’re one tough nut, to make it through all that, and be a great mom for your kids now. So many people blame every tiny thing in their childhood and you certainly could this…I’m glad to know you.

  48. 191

    Lisa@BlessedwithGrace says

    I am so glad you were able to move past the hatred. I don’t know what you went through and can’t even imagine. I am so sorry you younger years seemed to be filled with such sadness. I am glad you are able to see things in a new way, I know that your children are blessed to have you as a whole, wonderful mother.

  49. 211

    Vicki says

    I hate that you had to go through something that hurt you so deeply. But am glad that you were able to find peace afterwards. I’m sure your story is helping/will help others.

  50. 213

    Jessica says

    I think I’ve been going through something similar.. i’m only 23 and have TWO kids. what did I do with my life… NADDA ZILCH!! except getting an associates degree. BLAH.

  51. 214

    StitchinByTheLake says

    Congratulations – you have gone from being a victim to being the victor. That’s a difficult transition. It took me 32 years – not to make the transition but just to acknowledge that I had the anger and guilt and bitterness. Then more years to work through that. I’m glad you didn’t take that long. Now you can have all the joy your Mom would have wanted for you. Blessings, marlene

  52. 216

    Tiffany says

    What a beautiful post. Not everything in life is an epiphany.. I think people expect that and it’s just not always the case. I am so glad you have shed that heavy skin of hate, and inspired that you did so.

  53. 217

    Karen says

    What you describe is what I call the transition from being a victim to being a survivor. That’s a proccess that takes time. However, it’s like you wake up one day and say to yourself, even if it’s subconciously, ‘I’m done with all the pain and anger controlling me, now it’s my turn to be in control.’

    From what I have read, on your blog, so far, it seems that you are a very strong woman .. a survivor. Be proud of that!

  54. 218

    Cambiel says

    I’m awed by your story and also by some of the insighful comments posted in response. Here on the other side of the screen I can feel the humanity and the warmth of it all is just incredible.

  55. 219

    Susie says

    That was awe-inspiring. Thanks for being so honest and inspirational. You are truly talented Angie!

  56. 221

    says

    Originally posted by Angie Kelly Designs:Aww, I can’t tell you how much I arecppiate this Sharon! You are just too much!! lol I’ve had the best day and have you all to thank for it ~ THANK YOU ALL so much!! Lovelove!! March 19, 2009 7:10 PM

  57. 222

    says

    Originally posted by Coastal Sisters:……..skidding to a stop…… Shew! I know I wsihed you a Happy Cake Day on Etsy but forgot to post here! Eeeeeeeeeek! I am behind on my Blog visits and am trying to catch up!Here’s wishing you many more!Love,LuLu~*xoxoMarch 21, 2009 1:15 PM

  58. 223

    says

    Originally posted by Sherry Smyth: I was so hlapipy surprised when scrolling through new treasuries last night to see this one by Angie. It’s amazing and thank you for grabbing it and giving us that much sought after exposure!!

  59. 224

    says

    Originally posted by Angie Kelly Designs: Yay for us!! Whoot! How loelvy, Angie ~ so many treats for the eyes on this dreary Sunday ~ Thank you for including my earrings in a gorgeous group :)

  60. 225

    says

    Howdy! Do you know if they make any plugins to help with SEO? I’m tinryg to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I’m not seeing very good results. If you know of any please share. Thank you!

  61. 226

    says

    I’m a soda drinker too, and have been since my early teens. I think my proeblm is I don’t want to give up soda I like the fizzy stuff, I can’t help it. I did go no caffeine for 2 weeks last year while I was having some medical tests done then I grabbed a soda after it was all over and I was buzzing for days LOLOkay, that’s not really helping the goal any here off to Angie’s place to see how she kicked the fizz habit.[] Reply:December 10th, 2009 at 9:51 pmMe too Loretta. At one time I was up to a case of soda a day! When I gave up sugar-laden soda this time, I relied heavily on lemon flavored sparkling water because I really wanted that fizzy carbonated feeling. Unfortunately I’m having a hard time dropping the diet stuff. Funny you should mention Caffiene, after reading Craving Secrets this week, my husband has decided that while he doesn’t want to give up soda, he is going ot give up caffienated soda. It’s amazing how much of this stuff is hidden in our foods that we just don’t think about.[]

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