My Mother

I can never write about my mother without feeling some sort of sadness.  So, just a warning:   if you are looking for rainbows and puppy dogs today, then you are not going to find them here.

You’d think that after all these years I’d have developed a thick enough skin to think about the loss of my mother pragmatically, but I can’t.  I’ve tried to separate the emotion, but, it’s been an impossible task for me.

As Mother’s Day approaches I’m reminded of my mother and can’t help but draw comparisons and do a little chronological mathematics.   I think about the fact that I have been a mother for as long as MY mother was given the chance to be a mother to my brother, my sister and myself.

That’s tragic.

I think about the kind of mother my mom was to me and I feel so incredibly blessed. She was such a kind and loving mother, for which I’m eternally thankful.  I wish I could just be grateful for the time that I did have with her, yet I can’t help but feel ripped off.  I didn’t have my mother for nearly long enough, and I’ve never been able to get over feeling a bit bitter about it.

Over the years my memories of my mother have lost their crisp edges.  The exact situations and conversations are probably skewed and are hazy at best.  I regret that.

I try to remember only the happy times, the times that I felt comforted and safe and loved and happy to be a carefree child.  My heart smiles when I’m able to review those times and not lay them along side memories of me being a complete brat.

So, as Mother’s Day approaches, I’m going to think about events that made me happy.  I’m going to recall my mom reading to me whenever I asked and taking the time to tuck me into bed each night.  I’m going to think about how transparent she was in her love for me.

Instead of wishing I was a better daughter, I’m going to remember the sweet spirit that my mother possessed and try to be more like her.

I’m going to love up my children.  I’m going to be grateful for the example my mother was to me AND give thanks for the time I did have with her.

I’m going to ignore the gray colors of sadness that sometimes accompany the bright when I think about my mom, and I’m going to embrace all the opportunities I have to be the kind of mother to my children that she was to me.

Because that’s what Mother’s Do.

She taught me that.

This was written in response to one of Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompts.

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Comments

  1. 1

    (((hug)))

    Much love to you my friend.

  2. 2

    Sounds like your Mother pass on a lot of wisdom and love. Hoping you have a wonderful Mother’s day!

  3. 3

    i am so very sorry to hear of your loss… your mother sounds like she was a wonderful mother, and it sounds like she lived long enough to pass those traits to you…

  4. 4

    I’m sorry to hear you lost your mom at such an early age. I was very fortunate to have mine long enough for her to see me happily married before she died. (I know that was a concern she had since I didn’t get married until 43.) You are certainly honoring her by being a good mom to your kids. She’d be proud!

    Visiting from Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop. We used this prompt too.
    .-= Karen & Gerard Zemek´s last blog ..Best Mom Ever! by Gerard =-.

  5. 5

    :(

    hugs Angie.

    Ever since you told me what happened, I often think that if you could live through losing your mom and come out of it the way you have then *I* should be able to handle anything thrown my way. Not to be so sappy but you are a positive Influence in my life ever since we met on the momo website! So everything your mom instilled in you while you had her is a tribute to her!

  6. 6
    Tamara says:

    Beautiful post Angie. Happy Mother’s Day!

  7. 7

    Beautiful.

  8. 8

    Your mom would be so very proud of you, Angie!!!

    Justine :o )

  9. 9

    Aww, this made me tear up while reading this. I think your mom would be very proud of you for the person you turned out to be. It’s a great tribute to her to be able to carry on her legacy by becoming a great mom to your own kids and for remembering her and the love she gave you.
    .-= Jen C.´s last blog ..Memories of mom =-.

  10. 10

    Angie, this is beautiful. I’m sorry you lost your mother so early in life. My father died a few months ago, and I can’t imagine dealing with that as a young child.

    This is such a touching piece, raw and honest. Thank you for sharing.
    .-= Angie´s last blog ..Open letter to new moms (of twins) =-.

  11. 11
    Susie's Homemade says:

    Such a touching post!

  12. 12
    beth aka confusedhomemaker
    Twitter: beths_confusion
    says:

    Aww shoot, you warned me but man I’m crying now. Beautiful.

    Your mom did a good job in the years & memories of raising you into a loving & kind mother & person.

    Happy Mother’s day.
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Enter Persephone =-.

  13. 13
    Andrea
    Twitter: Papermom
    says:

    Mother’s Day always makes me mushy. Your post pushes me over the edge. Your loving heart is what your kids will blog about in 30 years….
    Happy Mother’s Day
    .-= Andrea´s last blog ..Mother’s Day celebration continues! =-.

  14. 14

    Hugs.

  15. 15

    Beautiful! I always love your writing, especially about your mom.

  16. 16
    Melissa says:

    Great attitude Angie.
    I was told by a mate that I should be over my dad’s death by now and I still must harbour some anger against him.
    I thought that was one of the biggest bunch of bullcrap things I’ve ever heard in my life.
    I like what you said right at the beginning, about it still hurting.
    It’s been 12 years since my dad died, almost 13 and it’s wrapped up in a box inside and whenever I open it those same flood of emotions come spilling out.
    Will it ever stop?
    I don’t think so.
    I think I’ve progressed as far as I can with the mourning.
    I think this is it.

  17. 17
    Christine
    Twitter: Tina12312
    says:

    I just want to send you a hug. I lost my mother when I was 20 and I understand everything you are saying. ♥

  18. 18
    Shell
    Twitter: shellthings
    says:

    Beautiful.

  19. 19
    Julie@my5monkeys
    Twitter: aprilmom00
    says:

    hugs and what a beautiful post about your mom
    .-= Julie@my5monkeys´s last blog ..Intercept- Book review =-.

  20. 20

    What a beautiful tribute to your mother Angie. She was also blessed to have a daughter as you!
    .-= Puna´s last blog ..A Photographer’s Life =-.

  21. 21
    Tiaras
    Twitter: tiarastantrums
    says:

    lovely! just like you

  22. 22
    Rachel
    Twitter: RachelVoorhees
    says:

    Angie ~ Thanks for sharing this story. Your mom passed on her beautiful spirit to you. Loving Mama Kat’s writers workshop – this week was my 1st time writing for it!
    .-= Rachel´s last blog ..Open Letter to New Moms =-.

  23. 23
    Chrissy MacCEO
    Twitter: C_MacCarrick
    says:

    Sending big HUGS your way!! I am sure it’s hard this time of year but reflecting on the HAPPY times is certainly a great way to get through the sadness of remembering these great losses. Have a wonderful Mothers Day!!
    .-= Chrissy MacCEO´s last blog ..May is for Mom Giveaway:: Calendar Datebook =-.

  24. 24

    Oh, Angie…. xoxoxo
    .-= Scary Mommy´s last blog ..What Mothers really want for Mother’s Day =-.

  25. 25
    Kirsten says:

    Love you Ange…

  26. 26
    erica
    Twitter: mommysstillfab
    says:

    Thanks for the warning…
    Beautiful post. I know you’ve made your Mama proud, and I am sure you’re kids are grateful for a Mama like you :)

  27. 27

    Mother’s Day must be a wonderful and sad day for you.

    HUGS
    .-= Allison @ Alli ‘n Son´s last blog ..Thank You Journal =-.

  28. 28

    Beautiful!! Standing ovation!

    And this?

    “Over the years my memories of my mother have lost their crisp edges.”

    So true. And so hard.

    I wish you would write about her more often.
    .-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..Writer’s Workshop: I Wished Her Dead And It Was Okay =-.

  29. 29

    I’m hoping your mother’s “sweet spirit” enfolds you and your family this weekend. I know she’s proud.
    .-= Stacia´s last blog ..Contract Negotiations =-.

  30. 30

    Angie, you are not alone in your feelings. I miss your moms sweetness, her innocence, her love for her family, and the sweet spirit she spread! She had an indelible impact on everyone she knew. I feel privileged to claim her, and you, as family. Love you!

  31. 31
    Brandie
    Twitter: rudyrukus
    says:

    Great post. I have a friend who just recently lost her mother. She feels the same way. She feels it is so unfair that her mom was taken so soon. It is hard for her. I try to be supportive. I of course have no idea how she must feel. Thanks for giving me some insight!
    .-= Brandie´s last blog ..I have too many Bathrooms! =-.

  32. 32
    Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
    Twitter: gonnakillhim
    says:

    I think it’s normal to never fully recover from the loss of your mother. My mother, always stricken with health problems, nearly died a few years ago, which immediately prompted my decision to get pregnant. I told my husband that my children could never truly know me if they didn’t know my mother. I needed my mother and my children to meet and know each other. I morosely wonder (too much) how I’ll ever pick up the pieces when I lose her. Remember her fondly on Mother’s Day and every day!

  33. 33

    )= Angie thanks for sharing your thoughts. Tragedy does have a way of shedding light on the good things in startling contrast… xo
    .-= Jo´s last blog ..Recess Sucks Contest =-.

  34. 34
    parenting BY dummies
    Twitter: thenagainphoto
    says:

    I can not even imagine. And, I’m sad that I didn’t know this about you. You are a lovely, sweet, kind woman despite suffering this great loss at (what I imagine) must have been a pretty young age. Your mom would be proud I’m sure. Thanks for sharing.
    .-= parenting BY dummies´s last blog ..To New Moms Everywhere =-.

  35. 35
    debi9kids
    Twitter: debi9kids
    says:

    OMGoodness Angie. Tears are on my cheeks.
    I am so sorry you are missing your mom :(
    There was a time when my dad was REALLY sick after his stroke and I thought we would lose him and I cried. For days. Literally just cried.
    And it hit me, when he was better, how unprepared I am if ever i lose on of my parents.

    It’s always good to cling to the happy memories. And the lessons learned. And the love and pure joy.
    It will see you through those hard times.
    (((HUGS)) this Mother’s Day and always.
    .-= debi9kids´s last blog ..And, Life Does Go On….. =-.

  36. 36
    Amy
    Twitter: FamilyTrifecta
    says:

    what an absolutely beautiful post. your mother was blessed to have you as her daughter. and your children are blessed because of the precious time you had with your mother.

    thank you for sharing your emotions and memories with us. hopefully we can be better moms because of your words and example.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..PSF and GMYBS – Thursday Night Fun =-.

  37. 37

    What a beautiful post. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  38. 38
    Erin
    Twitter: ErinsMiracles
    says:

    What a great post Angie! How wonderful your mom taught you so much! And she will live on when your children take from you some of those very same things!

  39. 39

    Angie,
    Growing up was so weird knowing we had different moms, I really never understood until I was older, like 8 maybe? I never could comprehend the sadness, anger, guilt that you felt, until one day I did. Well, minus a few emotions that I pray I never have to feel. I learned the feeling of being cheated, esp on so many events. I am so sorry that your Mom has not been there in the attendence of so many amazing events in your life, esp your children. Its so hard to explain to those sad, yet not being able to understand eyes that their Grandma is in Heaven.
    I want you to know that I have always looked up to you, and learned so much from you. You helped form me into the woman that I am today. For your help of learning how to read, even if it was just reading the word “the” in the books that took you to a happy place. I am so thankful, my children are blessed. You helped teach me one of the single most important things in life.
    You were always a huge example growing up. I loved going to church with you. Your desire to have an eternal family, strengthened my desire. I am eternally grateful. What I am trying to get at is, these things your Mother did for you, and in a way I have seen what an amazing person she was, and is. I look forward to the day when I can tell her thank you as well, esp for giving me such an amazing older sister. Happy Mothers Day, Angie. I love you to the Moon and back.
    Love Always,
    Tiff
    .-= TIFFANY EVANS´s last blog ..First Day Scrapbook Page (12” x 12”) =-.

  40. 40

    Oh BTW to you think Tip Junkies giveaway helps cover the cost for us? Just kidding, wouldnt it be nice to just hop on a plane or pick up the phone.
    .-= TIFFANY EVANS´s last blog ..First Day Scrapbook Page (12” x 12”) =-.

  41. 41
    Becca - Our Crazy Boys
    Twitter: beccascrazyboys
    says:

    Trying to think of something profound and amazing to say that will make you feel better, but there’s nothing.

    So, just sending you a smile :)

  42. 42

    Oh, Angie! This is lovely.
    .-= Mama Zen´s last blog ..Scratch -N- Sniff =-.

  43. 43
    Momisodes
    Twitter: Momisodes
    says:

    A wonderful tribute from a wonderful mother and daughter. Hugs to you this Mother’s day, Angie
    .-= Momisodes´s last blog ..Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song, and I’ll try not to sing out of key. =-.

  44. 44
    Megan
    Twitter: MrsMeganC
    says:

    Sounds like you had a wonderful Mother. I’m sorry that your time with her was cut short. (((HUGS)))
    .-= Megan´s last blog ..Accidents, Commercials, Mom’s – It’s All Fragmented Today!! =-.

  45. 45

    This made my heart heavy. It is a terrible thing to lose a mother … and to lose one so young is tragic. Hugs to you.
    .-= Jenners´s last blog ..Reading My Childhood Diary: Part 3 =-.

  46. 46

    That was a breath taker. XOXOXO. Miss you and your kidlets!
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..The One Where She Didn’t Know What to Say………….. =-.

  47. 47

    This was such a beauitful tribute to your mother. I can only hope that my love for my children will be as transparent to them as your mother’s love was to you. Happy Mother’s Day to you Angie!

    Kristi, Live and Love…Out Loud
    @TweetingMama
    .-= Kristi {at} Live and Love…Out Loud´s last blog ..Sure They Love Me, But I’m Still Waiting For The Big Yellow Chariot =-.

  48. 48

    Oh sweetie… I am so sorry you are feeling a loss once again. I love the emotions you choose to carry for your mom. Keep that love in your heart.

  49. 49
    Ash
    Twitter: ashatshades
    says:

    Prayers of peace to you this Mother’s Day weekend dear lady. Enjoy all the happy memories.
    .-= Ash´s last blog ..Happiness is… =-.

  50. 50
    Melissa B.
    Twitter: Mrs. Scribe
    says:

    I always feel a little bit empty on Mother’s Day, too. Not just because my kids are almost grown up and far away, but because my Mom isn’t with us anymore. Poignant post…thanks!
    .-= Melissa B.´s last blog ..An Apple-and an Ulcer-for the Teacher =-.

  51. 51

    In church on Sunday our pastor spoke about how hard Mother’s day is for many people for various reasons. I sent you a hug. This was a beautiful post. And you took her best qualities with you. You are a wonderful mother.
    .-= jennyleite´s last blog ..Mommy’s Day! =-.

  52. 52
    Melissa says:

    I can’t even imagine how it must be? I’d have a rough time with it if I lost my mom now let alone when I was young! Happy Mother’s Day! You have a beautiful family!

  53. 53

    Hugs Angie. I remember us corresponding on the subject of losing your mom. I though it then and still do – how very strong you are and what a wonderful example you are to your children!

    Happy Mother’s Day!
    .-= Live.Love.Eat´s last blog ..Lemon-Raspberry Mousse Squares =-.

  54. 54

    You found an element we do not shadow! I am sorry. I have no words but endless thoughts…….! Thank you for being my friend. You are beautiful and I am certain that is influenced by your mama!

  55. 55

    Whew. That dredges up a topic near to my heart too.. and becoming a mother now for the 8th time (dare I hope for..and 9th? I always wait for twins!), I completely understand that feeling of wanting to just immerse your children with your love.. That’s the best we can do in honor of our mothers’ memory!

    You are just a fantastic person and mom! Your sunshine and love for life always just radiates through, no matter how strongly you still feel your loss. That in itself is amazing!

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