Going Home

My most memorable “going home” was bittersweet. I tried to put on a smiling face. I was happy, yet I wasn’t. I was excited to finally get home and see my children. Get on with life. Yet I wasn’t.

The sun was shining and it was incredible outside. That alone should have made me euphoric since I had only been outside for a total of 5 minutes in 2 1/2 months, yet I was still sad. The world seemed incredibly large after spending so much time in an 12X20 room. As we “jolted” along in the car my insides physically felt like they were being pulled out. After all that I had been through to get my babies, it didn’t seem right that I had just left them.

When we passed the downtown village and I heard Christmas music playing I started to cry. The music reminded me that I had spent a whole season in the hospital. I had been gone from my children and husband for 10 weeks, and as the long awaited reunion neared, I was coming home hunched over, split open and with empty arms. I had nothing to offer. I couldn’t lift my children, my physical interaction with them had to limited, I was in pain, and I wasn’t bringing their brothers home with me.

But that isn’t entirely true. I actually had a lot of offer. I had open arms and a heart full of love. And I had stories of the babies in the neonatal intensive care unit. I felt gratitude when I saw my healthy children playing and I walked in the house and saw it full of people and flowers to welcome me. I felt incredibly blessed to have my husband help me over the threshold and know that through it all, he was my rock, that I had come home.

Comments

  1. 2

    Laura says

    This is a great entry. Such real emotions I can feel them.

    I remember the day I left my girls in the hospital too and it still hurts to think about. We are just not built to do that!

  2. 3

    Casey's trio says

    Beautiful post Angie! I tried to imagine how excited your older 3 kids must have been to see you when you came home. Your open arms, kisses and hugs must have meant the world to them.

  3. 5

    Are You Serious! says

    ♥ I can only imagine how difficult that would be. Going through all the pain of having you children and yet not being able to bring them home with you right off! I’m so happy for you that they are healthy and strong now!!!

  4. 6

    Debra says

    Oh Angie, Having to leave my boys in the NICU was THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Leaving the hospital with empty arms when there should be 2 babies in them..no one should have to do that. I DID appreciate the rest and recovery I was able to get for 9 days to heal from the C/S though!

  5. 15

    Debra says

    Oh Angie, Having to leave my boys in the NICU was THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Leaving the hospital with empty arms when there should be 2 babies in them..no one should have to do that. I DID appreciate the rest and recovery I was able to get for 9 days to heal from the C/S though!

  6. 16

    Debra says

    Oh Angie, Having to leave my boys in the NICU was THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Leaving the hospital with empty arms when there should be 2 babies in them..no one should have to do that. I DID appreciate the rest and recovery I was able to get for 9 days to heal from the C/S though!

  7. 17

    Scribbit says

    I’ve wondered about how hard that would be to have a child in the NICU and have to divide your time between seeing them there and taking care of your other children at home. How hard!

  8. 18

    Jaime says

    I can definitely relate. Although, I’ll never be able to put my thoughts down on paper as beautifully and expressively as you have done here. Good job!

  9. 19

    Connie says

    Oh Angie…That was amazing. I still feel that bittersweet feeling I felt on that ride home from the hospital when reading this…it was the best and worst 10minutes of my life. I just wept the whole way. You have written about it so beautifully.

  10. 27

    Laurie says

    What a gift you have with the written word. You have such a way of describing events, etc. that I feel like I am there. Thanks again for sharing your gift and yourself.

  11. 33

    Robin says

    I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. I had a little one in the transitional room for just 36 hours and I felt ripped in two trying to be the mother I needed to be to both of my children.

    Thank you for sharing this with us.

  12. 45

    Clark Captions says

    Boy Angie…I can’t even imagine what that must have been like for you! You are sooo strong! I am so glad to see those happy and healthy little boys now! What a blessing!

  13. 46

    familyof6 says

    Your words took me right back to that moment in time for me too. I get sick to my stomach just thinking of it. It was very emotional to me and still is. Well written.

  14. 47

    Jennifer P. says

    I’m glad that Are You Serious’s comment let us know that there was a happy ending. You captured what every mother would feel in that situation perfectly.

  15. 48

    Melissa Lester says

    That would be such an emotionally complex situation. I’m happy for you that all of you were finally able to get home.

  16. 50

    wehave9 says

    I am so sorry you had to do that. I had a 28 weeker and had to leave her in the NICU for 6 weeks. I know how very difficult it is. And the difficulty is increased when you have children at home too, because you are being pulled in 2 directions at a time when you just want to hold your babies!

  17. 59

    Cristin says

    Beautiful post. I can relate. My son spent his first 8 weeks in the ICU…our homecoming was also bittersweet…

  18. 60

    Brittany Iverson says

    I am so SO sorry. We had to leave our baby at the hospital too. I remember feeling so torn between my child at home and my child at the hospital. There is no winning. How are your boys now? I hope they are healthy. I’m adding your button. You are my new hero.

    Brittany

  19. 67

    Jen says

    To too know this feel. With my triplets, I was hospitalized for 5 weeks before they were born. I always felt like to had to choose between my children. I have a young 2 year old left at home but I had to so what was best for the unborn babies I carried. It just ripped my heat apart.
    And then to come home, but leave my babies in the hospital…I have never felt so incomplete. Thankful our time a part was not so long, I can’t imagine how people do it for triplet digit days.

  20. 74

    Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life says

    Having to leave my first born in the hospital with Jaundice was gut wrenching…I so completely understand how you must have felt…thank you for sharing…

  21. 76

    Angela says

    I can’t imagine what it is like to leave the hospital without your babies. Thank you for sharing this with us.

  22. 78

    Sherri - KaysvilleMomma says

    What a beautiful post!!! This posted caused a great stir of emotions in me. I felt similar feelings the first day that my husband forced me to leave the hospital when my daughter was in the NICU.

  23. 80

    EmBee says

    This post is so poignant. I too had to go home from the hospital empty handed, leaving my baby in the NICU. Because I couldn’t hold her very much while I was in the hospital nor rest with her upon my chest like I did with my son after he was born, I took to holding a stuffed pink bear. Crazy, I know but it gave me something to ‘hold’.

    After I left the hospital, I remember life as a blur of activity. Loving and caring for my son every spare moment I had, pumping breast milk, running back and forth to the hospital. I was exhausted but eventually my little girl came home and has thrived ever since.

    Thank you for helping me remember my resiliency. :-)

    • 81

      says

      Oviya//ஒர ச ல நல ல மக கள க க பயன பட ம ச யல கள ச ச ய த ப த //அட… ர ஜ ஜ ச ய ய ம ப த – அத “ஒர ச ல மக கள க க த ன “!!! அட அட அட.. என ன ப ர ந தன ம .//இர ஜ ஜ க லக கல வ ம ற ய க க ண ட வந த ப த கட ம ய க எத ர த த ப ட ர ல ம த ப பந தம ம தய ர க இர க கட ட ம ந ன ச ல ல ம ப த அக க ரக ரத த க ள த த ங கள என ற ம ரச அற வ த த ர .உடன இர ஜ ஜ பதவ வ லக ன ர என பத வரல ற .//Today People want half day of Theory and Half day of Practical Technical education. Bullshit perpection by Periyar doomed TN schooling system.

  24. 85

    Dana says

    I cannot even imagine how heart wrenching that must have been for you! You older 3 must have been SO excited to see you! Great post, great blog! I just came here via SITS. So glad I found this blog. I thought I was one of the only crazies with 5 kids!

  25. 87

    mrsbear0309 says

    I had to leave my last in the NICU as well. It’s a whole different experience leaving the hospital with empty arms. Very well said.

  26. 91

    Kimberly says

    You sound like an amazing woman! I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that would be. Your blog is beautiful!

  27. 96

    Sonya says

    Thank you for sharing your story. It must have been an emotional situtation! Funny what our mind makes us feel until we see what is true through our eyes!

  28. 105

    Adiel says

    That’s so healthy that you are still able to see the good things, the blessings in life despite all the hardship.

  29. 106

    Perez Family Spot says

    Beautifully written. Looks like it made us all a little more grateful today. Even for the little things.

  30. 108

    Melissa says

    I can’t imagine how hard that would have been. I was telling my mom just today how sometimes I feel like such a jerk when I complain about how much my kids are driving me crazy. They are home and safe and yes, a little out of control, but some people don’t have that luxury.
    You blessed me with this post.

  31. 109

    Party of 5 says

    This made me cry. It was beautifully written. Today I sit hear waiting while my baby sister sits in a hospital waiting to see if she will be put on bed rest until closer to her due date in Oct.

  32. 114

    Karen says

    That must’ve been a very hard time for you. It is amazing what we go through. I’m happy for you that you have a good family!

  33. 123

    Rhea says

    How heartbreaking and bittersweet.

    I’m glad the boys are home now and in good health.

    Kids have the ability to steal our hearts so quickly and totally take us over. It’s both good and bad!

    This was well written. Thank you for sharing!!

  34. 126

    Kendrawolf says

    I had to leave my youngest at the hospital too. Thankfully it was only for 3 days. But I was such a mess! And then all those feelings came back when my daughter had to leave her first born at the hospital too.

  35. 129

    Stephanie says

    Wow…this makes me think how we often take for granted just leaving the hospital with our baby.

  36. 142

    Vicki says

    Wow, raw yet real emotions. Those are just as important to remember as the good ones.

    Thanks for sharing with us.

  37. 146

    Christie says

    I share in your joy/heartache. I had a very similar experience. Love this post. You’re not alone!

  38. 147

    StitchinByTheLake says

    Very emotional, very heart warming. You painted a picture in our hearts. Blessings, marlene

  39. 150

    Michelle says

    Wow. I can’t even imagine this. How cruel to have to go home without the babies. I’ve often thought about this and how mothers handle it. What a raw look into the answer.

  40. 151

    Tiffany says

    I spent 6 weeks in the hospital and 10 weeks on home health care.. 30 weeks miserable. Everytime Spring rolls around I remember the Spring I missed.

    This is such a beautiful and poignant post. Sigh. I just heart your blog.

  41. 152

    Karen says

    A beautiful and poignant post.

    My twins were born 5 weeks early and spent two weeks in the hospital. I was lucky, in that it was in New Zealand and mothers were then entitled to at least a two week stay afer having their baby/babies.

    I got to stay with them for those two weeks. I can’t imagine how I would have felt if I’d had to go home and leave them behind..

  42. 154

    Cambiel says

    Your post is so heartfelt, and the bittersweetness comes right though the screen to touch me and leave me feeling just an iota of the pain and joy you describe.

  43. 160

    Stephanie says

    That was such a beautiful post. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to leave your babies at the hospital. That is thankfully one experience I’ve never had to go through.

  44. 161

    Kelly says

    I just can’t even the angst of your entire situation. I had never heard of Monoamniotic twins so I visited your other website; what an ordeal, but seeing those 2 red headed adorable boys brought such a smile to my face.

  45. 163

    Becky says

    Found you on SITS! I can relate I had 27 weekers. Twin boys. Coming home with empty arms was THE hardest part, I think. I am happy to have found your blog and plan to follow :)

  46. 164

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  48. 166

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